Mojo

Tomorrow night I am re-starting P90X. I am filled with equal parts excitement and dread. Goodbye lovely evenings spent cozying up next to my husband, reading books, watching tv, ushering in the only relaxing part of my day with glee (the emotion, not the show)(I do sometimes watch though). And its Hello again yoga pants, red sweaty face, and nearly throwing up in my own mouth from exertion. Haha, come to think of it, of course it would be my own mouth. Anyone else's mouth would just be unconscionable.
I have taken a small sabbatical from my workout regime due to sickness, and then extended it due to self indulgence. And I have enjoyed it thoroughly. Ah, but its time to shake off the dust. You see, Im in the danger zone. That vortex of a place where I am ALMOST where I want my body to be, but not quite there. Close enough to taste, but also far enough away from the wretchedness I felt after gaining 50 lbs, having a C-section and getting completely demoralized by the body I inherited after giving birth to our second child. Far enough away to get comfortable and forget how much I hated the way I felt. And to all of you out there who will say to me "But dont you feel strong? Dont you think you should wear the stretch marks/soft edges/ what-have-you,  as a badge of honor and be proud and blah blah blah"....to all of you I say, Yes, and No. Yes I am surprised/proud of what my body is capable of doing. It has carried, protected, delivered, and nourished  two children. Is that a feat? Heck yah it is! Am I pleased with the physical aftermath? No way. Do I accept it as part of the deal? Yes. Would I trade my kids for the lithe, speedily metabolized body I used to call my own? Of course not. Do I still want to complete the process of  getting myself back?! YES!
I dont know about the rest of the women in the world, but for me, I know its definitely a process. I was not one of those basketball-under-the-shirt looking pregnant women, that I thought for sure I would be. I always do great until about the 7th month. I dont gain much weight, I feel all glowy and jolly and think Im going to skate by unscathed to the very end. And then it happens. I explode. It happens so fast it boggles the mind. I wound up gaining between 40-50 lbs with both pregnancies and the bulk of it happened in the last 3 months.Yikes. But Im getting bogged down in the details. You dont care about the details. The point is, I have realized that I personally, tend to lose myself a tiny bit somewhere along the way with having babies. Colicky babies. And its a process to get myself back. Physically, mentally, all of the above. I got through the 6 months of colic hell. Then, when the clouds parted, and I quit functioning in survival mode, I found the drive to lose the 50 lbs of baby weight. Now, its been a whole year, and I want to do myself a solid and just finish it already. I want to be fit, and not just thin.
I think I have a healthy, realistic grasp on the whole thing and I dont have crazy goals. I know I cant eat whatever in the world I want and not work out, like I could ten years ago, and still be thrilled with the outcome. Its like every other area of life- YOU'VE GOTTA DO THE WORK! Physically, spiritually, relationally, (is that a word?)...you cant just quit putting forth the effort and then turn around and expect to be thrilled with the results. Dont be shocked when whatever it is, isnt thriving.
SO, I am going to shake the dust off my workout shoes, Im going overlook the cheeseball factor of Tony whatever-his-last-name's insistance that I always "bring it" in the workout dvd's, and Im going to rally my husband's joint effort as we make working out a regular part of  life once again.
As I said, I am filled with equal parts excitment and dread regarding this. Dread, because I know how hard and grueling the workouts are. And I am not exactly Sporty Spice, so this does not appeal to me. Excitement, because I know it works. And because, I know it sounds wierd, but I actually feel sexy when I work out. Im slightly embarrassed for having used that word, and I hope its not inappropriate, but I sat for 5 minutes trying to think of an alternative and could not. I am fully convinced I do not LOOK sexy working out, so it has nothing to do with vanity. Not by a long shot.  But there is something about putting a great song on your itunes, shutting everything else out, and just going for it. Pushing yourself, and working your hardest. It does something for your mojo. Just sayin!
So wish me luck!