Epic. Fail.
I'll go ahead and bite off the words and choke them down... Let them marinade like a bitter tonic. The truth is staring me brazenly in the face. The scale does not lie. That harsh and impudent number shamelessly blinking back at me from under my feet offends my sensabilites.
It has been a while since I've posted any updates regarding my mission to trim down. I dont want to beat a dead horse, or consume my writing with petty concerns.There are many more important things to talk about. But lets face it, its a legitemate concern at the moment. And of all the things that I am or am not, I do try to be honest and real. Good, bad, ugly, or otherwise. So in the spirit of keeping it real, I do hereby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (just dont ask me about the Red Robin whiskey river bbq chicken sandwich. One instance where the truth isnt good for anyone)
I think last time we checked in I miraculously lost 5 pounds in one week. And then I lost 1 more gimpy pound over two weeks. And now, almost a whole month later? NO MAS. Not one more pound. I am...disappointed. And only a little bit indignant. It never used to be this hard!? Is this a sign of aging? I used to get away with cutting corners. But those days are over for me. As I mentioned here, YOU'VE GOTTA DO THE WORK! Its simple math, really. Calories in. Calories out. Its not rocket science! Its not hard, its just...HARD.
Hard, yes. Impossible, no. I have done it before, I'll do it again. Well, I AM doing it. Six pounds is...considerable! (Can you tell by all the exclamation points that Im really trying to rally, here?) Its progress. Its halfway. The element of panic I feel is due to the fact that time is running out. Summer has arrived. Its here. No more rainchecks (pun intended). Vacation is less than 6 weeks away. I thought I'd be done by now! Not floundering around like a whale out of water at the midway point!
I need to get my head back in the game. I need to change it up. I also need to stay positive. While it felt like it for a moment there on the scale, this is not an epic fail. I AM losing weight! Just a lot slower than Im accustomed to. I need to remember that its a process that happens one decision at a time. One healthy choice after another... after another... after another. Patience has never been my strong suit.
Maybe I should take up running again. I have a track literally on the other side of my backyard. Maybe I just need to get out in the fresh air and hit the track, leaving a trail of fervent effort in my wake. I feel like Im in a P90X rut. Its sunny and beautiful outside, and it just feels wrong to be excersizing indoors in a stuffy little area. Like a hamster in a wheel. I am genuinely missing my gym membership right about now- a day I never thought I'd see! Spinning classes were my favorite way to work out. It was actually fun and I really enjoyed the element of fellow spinners. It was also brutal. I mean, you know you're working hard when you're WRISTS are sweating, right? But spinning is not an option at the moment. Boo friggity hoo. Its time to improvise. Time to rally. My goal is still within reach- I have long arms. (I actually do. My brother in law used to call me Inspector Gadget because it took me a while to grow into my arms. Im happy to report that my limbs are all fairly dimentional these days. Ankles excluded.)
So that's the truth. I am disappointed, a teeny weeny bit panicked, and (foolishly) indignant. But I cannot claim to be confused. I know exactly why its taking so long. Its my own doing. Have I skipped workouts? A few. Have I cheated with the food? *Cough* What whiskey river bbq chicken sandwhich? Fries? What?! Chipotle? Me? (In my defense, I will say that Chipotle is bar none the best burrito I've ever tasted. So whenever passing through a town that boasts this delicious treat, I cannot pass it up. Cannot. That discussion is off the table.) LOL. But that's life. And its ok. As long as Im a good little soldier and fall back in line. Im making progress. Im halfway to my goal! I think at the halfway point there should be little mile markers. Or some kind of little signs that say "Discipline!" "Self Control!" "PS: You are doing this because you WANT to, and not because you have to! So shut up and quit your belly-aching." "PSS: Good job" "PPSS: Keep up the good work!"... I would find that helpful.
In conclusion, my goals for the next month are:
1) Chin up and stay positive.
2) Hit it harder with the workouts.
3) More water
4) Eat breakfast! Every day! (I know, I should've been doing that a loooong time ago)
5) Eat something small and healthy every few hours.
6) Keep perspective. This is something Im trying to improve and that's all it is. Be thankful for what I've got. Which is considerable. Health, Family, Basic necessities. More than a lot of people in the world. Make that double thankful.
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
The B Word
Budget.
This is generally when people flinch and suck air through their teeth, practicaly hissing and turning away in a distasteful manner. As if to shake it off. At least that's how I reacted when Husband dropped the B word on me a few months ago. There's an undeniable stigma attached to the B word. Not only because finances are something of such a deeply personal nature that it verges on taboo to discuss, but also because the word itself almost carries a negative connotation. BUDGET. Blech.
For me, it conjured up visions of raggedy children with dirt smudged cheeks, and a doggedly tired husband who doles out an allowance to old wifey at the end of the day- you know, for toilet paper and milk and terribly boring yet necessary things of that nature. That's awful, I know. But its really what hovers in the back of my mind upon mention of the B word. Or did, rather.
But I suppose a budget is whatever you make it. And its whatever you make OF it, if you get right down to brass tacks. It's taken me a few months but Im actually making freinds with our budget. Playing nice. Almost even embracing it. In fact, now that we have "budgeted" our lives, I daresay we may never turn back! The bit I've found pleasantly surprising is the freedom in a budget. There are no guilty purchases, no chunks of money "slipping through the cracks" so to speak, with no guess as to where it wound up or what it went towards. Which,(sidetrip warning!) now that I think about it, is probably why I have grown to enjoy budgeting. If for no other reason than the organizational element! Its all there, laid out and compartmentalized. And if there's one thing that I thrive on, its being neat and tidy. Sounds pretty lame, huh? But as one of my girlfriends once told me "Ya know what?! I like the fact that your face blushes and that I could eat off of your kitchen floor!". We are who we are, yes? No sense fussing over the things that will never change.- But back to the B word. Where were we? Oh yes, the freedom! I rather enjoy it! If I know we have set aside X amount of money for groceries, bills, dining out, clothes shopping, birthday presents, etc etc etc- its a more tranquil feeling when I throw down the card or swipe it through the machine at the end of a transaction. I can swipe away with total peace of mind. Ha, in your face, budget!
At the same token, I have found it to be tricky at times. I can't lie. It was an adjustment. Husband and I sat down at the beginning of the year and set some goals. Some lofty, some smaller scale. We decided that it was time to get proactive and intentional about our finances- particularly saving. Maybe it comes with the territory when you're married to a financial advisor, but I have to say, Husband was right. We were spending money where sometimes we shouldnt. Not in a frivolous way, but more of a ...neglectful (for lack of a better word) way? We just werent always paying attention. Ok FINE. Mostly me.
And time is sort of a relentless buggar, so month after month passes without much notice and its easy not to reach our financial goals. Whatever they may be. Save. Pay off debts. Buy a home. Put away for the kids. Save more. LOL.My list could be a mile long. There never seems to be a shortage of uses for money, right? Just a shortage OF it sometimes.
As I said, it has been an adjustment, but surprisingly, not a hard one. I have actually gotten much more cost-effective in my grocery shopping. I FINALLY starting making some sort of a meal plan for the week before I went to the grocery store, which I never used to do. I'd just mosey along the aisles and, with a basic knowledge of my usual necessities, I'd pretty much grab whatever struck my fancy. This usually resulted in a pantry stocked with 27 cans of olives (not that you can ever have too many black olives if you ask me though), 10 jars of marinara, innumerable amounts of chicken broth and white wine for cooking, enough pasta in every shape to feed a small army, and an odd assortment of ethnic foods "just in case Im in the mood for thai". Yet somehow if I was looking for garbanzo beans or chili paste or something more specific I never seemed to have it. Being armed with a plan has not only cleaned up my pantry, but taken the panic out of the daily decision of what to make for dinner.
Like I said, a budget really is whatever you make it. Its personalized. Every family has different needs, goals, and spending habits. Our has been a little different each month because of holidays, moves, trips, and the like. We still eat out and shop(although not as much as I used to) and go to the movies and do fun stuff with the kids. We have made small sacrifices (i.e. gym membership. Awe, shucks!) and changed some habits, but we have also lived life normally and still had fun and not felt deprived or stifled by our budget. More importantly, we have made strides in meeting our goals. We have saved! Next stop, dream house? How's that for lofty? :)
Cheers to the B word.
This is generally when people flinch and suck air through their teeth, practicaly hissing and turning away in a distasteful manner. As if to shake it off. At least that's how I reacted when Husband dropped the B word on me a few months ago. There's an undeniable stigma attached to the B word. Not only because finances are something of such a deeply personal nature that it verges on taboo to discuss, but also because the word itself almost carries a negative connotation. BUDGET. Blech.
For me, it conjured up visions of raggedy children with dirt smudged cheeks, and a doggedly tired husband who doles out an allowance to old wifey at the end of the day- you know, for toilet paper and milk and terribly boring yet necessary things of that nature. That's awful, I know. But its really what hovers in the back of my mind upon mention of the B word. Or did, rather.
But I suppose a budget is whatever you make it. And its whatever you make OF it, if you get right down to brass tacks. It's taken me a few months but Im actually making freinds with our budget. Playing nice. Almost even embracing it. In fact, now that we have "budgeted" our lives, I daresay we may never turn back! The bit I've found pleasantly surprising is the freedom in a budget. There are no guilty purchases, no chunks of money "slipping through the cracks" so to speak, with no guess as to where it wound up or what it went towards. Which,(sidetrip warning!) now that I think about it, is probably why I have grown to enjoy budgeting. If for no other reason than the organizational element! Its all there, laid out and compartmentalized. And if there's one thing that I thrive on, its being neat and tidy. Sounds pretty lame, huh? But as one of my girlfriends once told me "Ya know what?! I like the fact that your face blushes and that I could eat off of your kitchen floor!". We are who we are, yes? No sense fussing over the things that will never change.- But back to the B word. Where were we? Oh yes, the freedom! I rather enjoy it! If I know we have set aside X amount of money for groceries, bills, dining out, clothes shopping, birthday presents, etc etc etc- its a more tranquil feeling when I throw down the card or swipe it through the machine at the end of a transaction. I can swipe away with total peace of mind. Ha, in your face, budget!
At the same token, I have found it to be tricky at times. I can't lie. It was an adjustment. Husband and I sat down at the beginning of the year and set some goals. Some lofty, some smaller scale. We decided that it was time to get proactive and intentional about our finances- particularly saving. Maybe it comes with the territory when you're married to a financial advisor, but I have to say, Husband was right. We were spending money where sometimes we shouldnt. Not in a frivolous way, but more of a ...neglectful (for lack of a better word) way? We just werent always paying attention. Ok FINE. Mostly me.
And time is sort of a relentless buggar, so month after month passes without much notice and its easy not to reach our financial goals. Whatever they may be. Save. Pay off debts. Buy a home. Put away for the kids. Save more. LOL.My list could be a mile long. There never seems to be a shortage of uses for money, right? Just a shortage OF it sometimes.
As I said, it has been an adjustment, but surprisingly, not a hard one. I have actually gotten much more cost-effective in my grocery shopping. I FINALLY starting making some sort of a meal plan for the week before I went to the grocery store, which I never used to do. I'd just mosey along the aisles and, with a basic knowledge of my usual necessities, I'd pretty much grab whatever struck my fancy. This usually resulted in a pantry stocked with 27 cans of olives (not that you can ever have too many black olives if you ask me though), 10 jars of marinara, innumerable amounts of chicken broth and white wine for cooking, enough pasta in every shape to feed a small army, and an odd assortment of ethnic foods "just in case Im in the mood for thai". Yet somehow if I was looking for garbanzo beans or chili paste or something more specific I never seemed to have it. Being armed with a plan has not only cleaned up my pantry, but taken the panic out of the daily decision of what to make for dinner.
Like I said, a budget really is whatever you make it. Its personalized. Every family has different needs, goals, and spending habits. Our has been a little different each month because of holidays, moves, trips, and the like. We still eat out and shop(although not as much as I used to) and go to the movies and do fun stuff with the kids. We have made small sacrifices (i.e. gym membership. Awe, shucks!) and changed some habits, but we have also lived life normally and still had fun and not felt deprived or stifled by our budget. More importantly, we have made strides in meeting our goals. We have saved! Next stop, dream house? How's that for lofty? :)
Cheers to the B word.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The Thing with Dinner...
Moms out there: What IS IT with dinner?
Breakfast is smooth. I make the food, they eat the food. Easy, done. Lunch is pleasant. What is it about dinner in particular that something always seems to go awry? It's like the witching hour! Does this happen to you guys out there?
I enjoy cooking and maybe I even take it a bit ...well, personally. I put my heart into cooking for my family. (Okay, fine, not every SINGLE night. But most nights) Im not playing the martyr here, like I slave over the stove for hours a day at a thankless, drudgery-filled job. That's not my plight. My husband almost always says thank you after eating dinner and I actually cook because I enjoy it. Its just that after I've spent a considerable amount of time and effort in the kitchen making a meal, I have high hopes and possibly misplaced expections of the dinner hour itself. Its not actually even an hour, it takes anywhere for 30-60 minutes to make the food, but the actual eating takes only about 15 or 20 minutes. And while visions fill my head of my smiling family scooting up to the table, eating and enjoying the food, meanwhile engaging in pleasant, harmonious conversation- the breakdown of what really happens during that 15 or 20 minutes is a far cry. A far cry, people! Something is lost in translation from my ideals and my reality.
Every single night at dinner at least 3 of these 5 things will happen:
1) I will announce dinner is ready and proceed to call everyone to the table...about 5 times. This, I will confess is a total pet peeve. So much lollygagging! Does no one want the food to still be hot?
2) By the time we get both kids' food cut up, any hidden tomatos, onions, or other suspicious looking veg removed and sit down to eat ourselves, my 1 year old son has already finished everything on his tray, is now bored, and proceeds to either smash or throw any remnants of food anywhere he can reach. This is usually accompanied by lots of yelling and grunting.
3) And this one is always a guarantee- my 4 year old daughter is devastated by whatever happens to land on her plate that night. She simply cannot be bothered by food. She would survive on air and saliva if I allowed it. So this of course necessitates a whole lot of coaxing, enforcing, disciplining, etc. Shute, I'd do cartwheels across the table if it would get her to eat of her own free will.
4) All conversations, trains of thought, and unfinshed sentences are abandoned somewhere around mid-meal. Its either eat your own food while its still somewhat warm, or try and remember "what was it we were saying again?"
5) The 1 year old in the highchair has long been done, bored, and pacified beyond what he is in the mood for, and is now trying to make his great escape by jumping out of his highchair. Thank God he's never been successful in this yet, but it almost gives me a heart attack every time he tries.
By the time all is said and done, messes cleaned, dishes cleared, and the dust settles, Im pooped! It feels like a 3 ring circus some nights! Now I will say this: there are lots of great moments too. Bella usually says something offbeat and funny at least once. It may be less than peaceful at times, but we are all still seated together at the table having a family dinner, and that's a good thing. Jaxon is a rowdy little guy, but he is easily pleased and will eat anything I put in front of him. This thrills me.
I know it has much to do with the ages my kids are at, and it wont always feel like so much work. I was pondering this tonight as we ran (literally ran) Jaxon straight from the highchair to the bathtub. I was watching the two of them play and squeal while I soaped up their hair and their rosy cherub cheeks and pot bellies. I dont want to wish these stages away. It can be a lot more work when they're this little, but its still simple. They need me (and I need them). They are still eager to please and to snuggle and they dont have a care in the world. They infuse my life with laughter and joy. The purest kind of joy. Like when my daughter touches my cheek and tells me Im the best mommy and she loves me "all the way to the moon and back down to the dirt and the flowers". Or when my son laughs his raspy little belly laugh. You just cant beat that. One day they'll be moody teenagers and granted, they'll be a tad more civilized at the dinner table, but it'll be a whole new ballgame by then.
I have learned a few helpful tricks along the way for in the meantime. Such as, BE PREPARED! As long as I have little pieces of food to keep shoveling onto his tray, my son is happy. This also goes for restaraunts. A little snack, a little coloring book, a game of "I Spy"- they go a long way. And a timer has worked wonders in our household in getting my daughter to eat. If she really isnt eating at all, we put a timer on for 15 minutes. She is so mortified by the mere idea of the timer, that she instantly starts to eat. Victory!
Someday maybe we'll reach that holy grail of all eating while our food is still hot, with no battles, while bonding over a bowl of pasta. Until then, I'll just be happy that we're still bonding. So what if there's spaghetti on the ceiling.
Breakfast is smooth. I make the food, they eat the food. Easy, done. Lunch is pleasant. What is it about dinner in particular that something always seems to go awry? It's like the witching hour! Does this happen to you guys out there?
I enjoy cooking and maybe I even take it a bit ...well, personally. I put my heart into cooking for my family. (Okay, fine, not every SINGLE night. But most nights) Im not playing the martyr here, like I slave over the stove for hours a day at a thankless, drudgery-filled job. That's not my plight. My husband almost always says thank you after eating dinner and I actually cook because I enjoy it. Its just that after I've spent a considerable amount of time and effort in the kitchen making a meal, I have high hopes and possibly misplaced expections of the dinner hour itself. Its not actually even an hour, it takes anywhere for 30-60 minutes to make the food, but the actual eating takes only about 15 or 20 minutes. And while visions fill my head of my smiling family scooting up to the table, eating and enjoying the food, meanwhile engaging in pleasant, harmonious conversation- the breakdown of what really happens during that 15 or 20 minutes is a far cry. A far cry, people! Something is lost in translation from my ideals and my reality.
Every single night at dinner at least 3 of these 5 things will happen:
1) I will announce dinner is ready and proceed to call everyone to the table...about 5 times. This, I will confess is a total pet peeve. So much lollygagging! Does no one want the food to still be hot?
2) By the time we get both kids' food cut up, any hidden tomatos, onions, or other suspicious looking veg removed and sit down to eat ourselves, my 1 year old son has already finished everything on his tray, is now bored, and proceeds to either smash or throw any remnants of food anywhere he can reach. This is usually accompanied by lots of yelling and grunting.
3) And this one is always a guarantee- my 4 year old daughter is devastated by whatever happens to land on her plate that night. She simply cannot be bothered by food. She would survive on air and saliva if I allowed it. So this of course necessitates a whole lot of coaxing, enforcing, disciplining, etc. Shute, I'd do cartwheels across the table if it would get her to eat of her own free will.
4) All conversations, trains of thought, and unfinshed sentences are abandoned somewhere around mid-meal. Its either eat your own food while its still somewhat warm, or try and remember "what was it we were saying again?"
5) The 1 year old in the highchair has long been done, bored, and pacified beyond what he is in the mood for, and is now trying to make his great escape by jumping out of his highchair. Thank God he's never been successful in this yet, but it almost gives me a heart attack every time he tries.
By the time all is said and done, messes cleaned, dishes cleared, and the dust settles, Im pooped! It feels like a 3 ring circus some nights! Now I will say this: there are lots of great moments too. Bella usually says something offbeat and funny at least once. It may be less than peaceful at times, but we are all still seated together at the table having a family dinner, and that's a good thing. Jaxon is a rowdy little guy, but he is easily pleased and will eat anything I put in front of him. This thrills me.
I know it has much to do with the ages my kids are at, and it wont always feel like so much work. I was pondering this tonight as we ran (literally ran) Jaxon straight from the highchair to the bathtub. I was watching the two of them play and squeal while I soaped up their hair and their rosy cherub cheeks and pot bellies. I dont want to wish these stages away. It can be a lot more work when they're this little, but its still simple. They need me (and I need them). They are still eager to please and to snuggle and they dont have a care in the world. They infuse my life with laughter and joy. The purest kind of joy. Like when my daughter touches my cheek and tells me Im the best mommy and she loves me "all the way to the moon and back down to the dirt and the flowers". Or when my son laughs his raspy little belly laugh. You just cant beat that. One day they'll be moody teenagers and granted, they'll be a tad more civilized at the dinner table, but it'll be a whole new ballgame by then.
I have learned a few helpful tricks along the way for in the meantime. Such as, BE PREPARED! As long as I have little pieces of food to keep shoveling onto his tray, my son is happy. This also goes for restaraunts. A little snack, a little coloring book, a game of "I Spy"- they go a long way. And a timer has worked wonders in our household in getting my daughter to eat. If she really isnt eating at all, we put a timer on for 15 minutes. She is so mortified by the mere idea of the timer, that she instantly starts to eat. Victory!
Someday maybe we'll reach that holy grail of all eating while our food is still hot, with no battles, while bonding over a bowl of pasta. Until then, I'll just be happy that we're still bonding. So what if there's spaghetti on the ceiling.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Great Expectations
No. Expectations are the devil! ...Well, ok, I retract that statement. Its a blanket statement, and those are almost never a good idea. Overly high or unfair expectations are the devil.
In retrospect, it all starts with me. Overthinking things. As usual. dont you just hate 'retrospect'? The way it lays things out so clearly, almost taunting you with its obviousness? Its a double edged sword, retrospect. The way it can (much to your own chagrin) cut so clearly to the heart of a matter when you choose to look honestly into it. The way it can make you feel so utterly silly sometimes. But at the same token, it serves an invaluable purpose. You live, you learn, as they say.
It is at best unwise, and at worst dangerous ground, when you let expectations dictate your actions. In marriage, in work, in freindships, in nearly anything. "I'll do this for you, if (or because) you do that for me." "I'll work hard at this, only because it might get me that." "I expect you to be A, B, and C to me, and if you aren't, you are letting me down. You are the bad guy". Dangerous lines of thinking!
Obviously, expectations on some level are healthy and necessary elements of any relationship. Obviously. Im not saying 'lower your expectations, roll over and take whatever you can get and live with it". That's just sad.
I guess the thing Im pondering, is, well, selfishness. Inwardly, Im wincing. Im not loving what Im seeing. I confess (appearantly I have much to confess these days?), that I often let selfishness lay the groundwork for expectations, which in turn lays the groundwork for disappointment, resentment, or hurt.
Take date night, for example. Oh dear, I cannot believe I am going to expose myself like this, but whatever, here goes. My husband always tells me that I hold date nights with such a high regard, such a lofty expectation, that I darn near expect it to be some magical, mystical experience. Im chuckling as I write this, because he is totally right. I do. Its a recipe for disaster! How often, I wonder, has he walked unawares into a booby trap that I have unwittingly set?
At the movie: for 8 years, without fail, as the popcorn and hot dogs stop singing and dancing and the lights dim, I"ll lean over and say "make it a date" and he kisses me, thus commencing the "date". One, maybe two times he forgets or I forget and my stomach lurches as I realize with horror, 'what we've become'. LOL. So dramatic, right? We sit at dinner and eat our food and chit chat and instead of relaxing into what could be a lovely, comfortable silence, I let the inner monologue begin. "Oh my gosh. So eight years huh? Eight years is how long it takes? To be that couple that just sits across from each other at the restaraunt with nothing to say? With just dead air between us?!" Its silly, but oh, its real. I am expecting him to wow me with sparkling conversation, to make me feel twitterpated, to essentially do and say all the right things. How exhausting. How foolish. If I would only relax and forget about all my expectations of him and of the night. If I would silence my inner monologue and enjoy him, enjoly US for what we are- 2 people who know each other, who love each other, who fit together. If I would see it as it truly is, I'd save us both a lot of grief!
I never used to even think twice about these silly things. Its been a phase. And Im closing the book on it. Maybe its the change that comes with having kids. Maybe its all the million outside stresses of work and money and responsibility that creep in to our happy, intimate little bubble. Maybe that's why, when the rare date night, or the even more rare vacation together happens, I put so much pressure on these events to be something fantastical. (yes, Im sticking with the word fantastical).
Maybe its just growing pains. Ah, but growth is a good thing! So there you have it. The real truth, the crux of the matter, is that what we share is GOOD. Its familiar and comforting and easy. Its even still romantic and twitterpating. Maybe not on a daily basis or all the time, but its there when it needs to be there. Its right. Its enjoyable. Its a gift, even.
In my vows I promised "To always trust, To always forgive, To always cherish him as my most precious gift, and To always walk beside him- no matter what this life brings." So I will do just that. I will trust in what we share and in how far its come. I will appreciate the changes that have refined it. I will forgive when hurts or disappointments happen. I will be thankful for the gift of marriage. I will relax and enjoy it for what it is!
And as for unfair expectations, I must recognize them and shake them off. And focus more on being unselfish rather than selfish. Easy, right? LOL. I'll let ya know how the next date night goes. :)
In retrospect, it all starts with me. Overthinking things. As usual. dont you just hate 'retrospect'? The way it lays things out so clearly, almost taunting you with its obviousness? Its a double edged sword, retrospect. The way it can (much to your own chagrin) cut so clearly to the heart of a matter when you choose to look honestly into it. The way it can make you feel so utterly silly sometimes. But at the same token, it serves an invaluable purpose. You live, you learn, as they say.
It is at best unwise, and at worst dangerous ground, when you let expectations dictate your actions. In marriage, in work, in freindships, in nearly anything. "I'll do this for you, if (or because) you do that for me." "I'll work hard at this, only because it might get me that." "I expect you to be A, B, and C to me, and if you aren't, you are letting me down. You are the bad guy". Dangerous lines of thinking!
Obviously, expectations on some level are healthy and necessary elements of any relationship. Obviously. Im not saying 'lower your expectations, roll over and take whatever you can get and live with it". That's just sad.
I guess the thing Im pondering, is, well, selfishness. Inwardly, Im wincing. Im not loving what Im seeing. I confess (appearantly I have much to confess these days?), that I often let selfishness lay the groundwork for expectations, which in turn lays the groundwork for disappointment, resentment, or hurt.
Take date night, for example. Oh dear, I cannot believe I am going to expose myself like this, but whatever, here goes. My husband always tells me that I hold date nights with such a high regard, such a lofty expectation, that I darn near expect it to be some magical, mystical experience. Im chuckling as I write this, because he is totally right. I do. Its a recipe for disaster! How often, I wonder, has he walked unawares into a booby trap that I have unwittingly set?
At the movie: for 8 years, without fail, as the popcorn and hot dogs stop singing and dancing and the lights dim, I"ll lean over and say "make it a date" and he kisses me, thus commencing the "date". One, maybe two times he forgets or I forget and my stomach lurches as I realize with horror, 'what we've become'. LOL. So dramatic, right? We sit at dinner and eat our food and chit chat and instead of relaxing into what could be a lovely, comfortable silence, I let the inner monologue begin. "Oh my gosh. So eight years huh? Eight years is how long it takes? To be that couple that just sits across from each other at the restaraunt with nothing to say? With just dead air between us?!" Its silly, but oh, its real. I am expecting him to wow me with sparkling conversation, to make me feel twitterpated, to essentially do and say all the right things. How exhausting. How foolish. If I would only relax and forget about all my expectations of him and of the night. If I would silence my inner monologue and enjoy him, enjoly US for what we are- 2 people who know each other, who love each other, who fit together. If I would see it as it truly is, I'd save us both a lot of grief!
I never used to even think twice about these silly things. Its been a phase. And Im closing the book on it. Maybe its the change that comes with having kids. Maybe its all the million outside stresses of work and money and responsibility that creep in to our happy, intimate little bubble. Maybe that's why, when the rare date night, or the even more rare vacation together happens, I put so much pressure on these events to be something fantastical. (yes, Im sticking with the word fantastical).
Maybe its just growing pains. Ah, but growth is a good thing! So there you have it. The real truth, the crux of the matter, is that what we share is GOOD. Its familiar and comforting and easy. Its even still romantic and twitterpating. Maybe not on a daily basis or all the time, but its there when it needs to be there. Its right. Its enjoyable. Its a gift, even.
In my vows I promised "To always trust, To always forgive, To always cherish him as my most precious gift, and To always walk beside him- no matter what this life brings." So I will do just that. I will trust in what we share and in how far its come. I will appreciate the changes that have refined it. I will forgive when hurts or disappointments happen. I will be thankful for the gift of marriage. I will relax and enjoy it for what it is!
And as for unfair expectations, I must recognize them and shake them off. And focus more on being unselfish rather than selfish. Easy, right? LOL. I'll let ya know how the next date night goes. :)
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