Epic. Fail.
I'll go ahead and bite off the words and choke them down... Let them marinade like a bitter tonic. The truth is staring me brazenly in the face. The scale does not lie. That harsh and impudent number shamelessly blinking back at me from under my feet offends my sensabilites.
It has been a while since I've posted any updates regarding my mission to trim down. I dont want to beat a dead horse, or consume my writing with petty concerns.There are many more important things to talk about. But lets face it, its a legitemate concern at the moment. And of all the things that I am or am not, I do try to be honest and real. Good, bad, ugly, or otherwise. So in the spirit of keeping it real, I do hereby swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. (just dont ask me about the Red Robin whiskey river bbq chicken sandwich. One instance where the truth isnt good for anyone)
I think last time we checked in I miraculously lost 5 pounds in one week. And then I lost 1 more gimpy pound over two weeks. And now, almost a whole month later? NO MAS. Not one more pound. I am...disappointed. And only a little bit indignant. It never used to be this hard!? Is this a sign of aging? I used to get away with cutting corners. But those days are over for me. As I mentioned here, YOU'VE GOTTA DO THE WORK! Its simple math, really. Calories in. Calories out. Its not rocket science! Its not hard, its just...HARD.
Hard, yes. Impossible, no. I have done it before, I'll do it again. Well, I AM doing it. Six pounds is...considerable! (Can you tell by all the exclamation points that Im really trying to rally, here?) Its progress. Its halfway. The element of panic I feel is due to the fact that time is running out. Summer has arrived. Its here. No more rainchecks (pun intended). Vacation is less than 6 weeks away. I thought I'd be done by now! Not floundering around like a whale out of water at the midway point!
I need to get my head back in the game. I need to change it up. I also need to stay positive. While it felt like it for a moment there on the scale, this is not an epic fail. I AM losing weight! Just a lot slower than Im accustomed to. I need to remember that its a process that happens one decision at a time. One healthy choice after another... after another... after another. Patience has never been my strong suit.
Maybe I should take up running again. I have a track literally on the other side of my backyard. Maybe I just need to get out in the fresh air and hit the track, leaving a trail of fervent effort in my wake. I feel like Im in a P90X rut. Its sunny and beautiful outside, and it just feels wrong to be excersizing indoors in a stuffy little area. Like a hamster in a wheel. I am genuinely missing my gym membership right about now- a day I never thought I'd see! Spinning classes were my favorite way to work out. It was actually fun and I really enjoyed the element of fellow spinners. It was also brutal. I mean, you know you're working hard when you're WRISTS are sweating, right? But spinning is not an option at the moment. Boo friggity hoo. Its time to improvise. Time to rally. My goal is still within reach- I have long arms. (I actually do. My brother in law used to call me Inspector Gadget because it took me a while to grow into my arms. Im happy to report that my limbs are all fairly dimentional these days. Ankles excluded.)
So that's the truth. I am disappointed, a teeny weeny bit panicked, and (foolishly) indignant. But I cannot claim to be confused. I know exactly why its taking so long. Its my own doing. Have I skipped workouts? A few. Have I cheated with the food? *Cough* What whiskey river bbq chicken sandwhich? Fries? What?! Chipotle? Me? (In my defense, I will say that Chipotle is bar none the best burrito I've ever tasted. So whenever passing through a town that boasts this delicious treat, I cannot pass it up. Cannot. That discussion is off the table.) LOL. But that's life. And its ok. As long as Im a good little soldier and fall back in line. Im making progress. Im halfway to my goal! I think at the halfway point there should be little mile markers. Or some kind of little signs that say "Discipline!" "Self Control!" "PS: You are doing this because you WANT to, and not because you have to! So shut up and quit your belly-aching." "PSS: Good job" "PPSS: Keep up the good work!"... I would find that helpful.
In conclusion, my goals for the next month are:
1) Chin up and stay positive.
2) Hit it harder with the workouts.
3) More water
4) Eat breakfast! Every day! (I know, I should've been doing that a loooong time ago)
5) Eat something small and healthy every few hours.
6) Keep perspective. This is something Im trying to improve and that's all it is. Be thankful for what I've got. Which is considerable. Health, Family, Basic necessities. More than a lot of people in the world. Make that double thankful.
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
An Anchor for the Soul
Do you ever get the unsettling feeling that things might be going too well? Like the precarious joy you experience might crumble? Like one resounding crack in your universe could shatter the comfort and ease of your normal everyday life? I do.
And I dont consider myself to be a negative person. A worrier maybe, but not a Debbie Downer. More so than ever lately though, I catch myself holding my breath, so to speak. Fearful in my heart, and over what? Im not even sure. I catch myself wondering, will it be a phonecall? A test result read to me in some stale white doctors office? An accident? An illness? What will be the thing that splits my life in two?- Before and After.
Whatever level of this feeling I've experienced in the past, is only multiplied by about a thousand now that I have two small children. If there is one thing I cannot bear, it is the thought of them suffering. The tears shed that cannot be prevented, the scraped knees, the hurt feelings- these things hurt a mothers heart, yes, but they dont break it. Its the really tough stuff Im talking about. The pediatric cancer, the parents who die with young children left behind, or even worse, the young children who die- the tragedies that are dreadful beyond what it seems a soul can withstand. These are the things that grip my heart with fear. Its like once you have kids, your heart no longer resides within your chest, but its been ripped out and is now running around in this small little person, forever linked with them, and out of your own control.
This all sounds very gloomy and very dramatic, I know. Which is not usually my style, but its been a real and genuine struggle for me lately. To not be governed by fear.
Its interesting, actually. I started writing this blog entry a week ago, and left off two paragraphs into it, and went about my busy week, intending to finish it later, after I'd sorted out the rest of my thoughts. This morning through a series of random events, I met a woman and was so impacted by her that I cannot shake the emotions that have lingered after she left. I have teared up at least 17 times today just thinking of her. She had come over to buy the xbox my husband had listed on craigslist. She showed up looking very fragile and very... determined.We started chatting, and she started to tell me her story a bit- how she was buying this xbox for her son- how it was the only thing he wanted for christmas and he was convinced Santa would bring it to him and how this had her worrying as to how she could afford to work that one out. She had been spending all she had on chemo and treatment. She has cancer. Terminal cancer. Her kids are only 11 and 7 years old. This is literally her last christmas with her kids. She shared with me her inital shock, her months spent in chemo and fighting the disease, and how she was done with all treatments now, and time was running out. She said she was thankful for the extra time the chemo had bought her. She smiled and was upbeat about how she couldnt believe the timing and luck (she saw our ad minutes after we posted it, just checking one last time on a whim to see if she could find what she was looking for before she left town this morning, it was the exact one she hoped to find, she was pretty sure this was the last year her son would really believe in Santa, etc etc). I had never met this woman before in my life and my heart was wrenching for her. She stood in my entryway and we talked for quite a while. I cried. She cried. She mentioned how it seemed meant to be that we'd have this conversation, and that it was funny how God works. Indeed.
This woman had experienced that crack in her universe. The crack that makes all the noise and hubbub of normal life fade to a deafening silence. She told me that she had hope- she had to, she said. I am staggered by the hearts ability to hope. When all the waves and breakers of life have swept over me, hope is an anchor. Hebrews 6:18 "...lay hold of the hope set before us. this hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast..." Romans 5:3-5" ...We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perserverance; and perserverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts..."
So that's where it gets real for me. There is hope that fails, and there is hope that 'does not disappoint.' If I hope only for a comfortable, happy, easy, tragedy-free life, I very well may be let down eventually. If I put my hope in God, to be that anchor for my soul when I am overwhelmed then I will not be disappointed. Life does not come free of hardships. Or heartbreaks. Or even tragedies. It just doesnt. But I have a hope that is real.
Coincidentally enough, a few days ago, this was the snippet of my daily reading: "I will never leave you alone in the midst of any affliction. You can not escape the crisis experiences if you desire to grow and mature, but you need never fear them regardless of the form they take, for my grace and my equanimity shall be as a strong anchor that shall hold you fast, and you shall not be driven off course." Hah! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Inappropriate? LOL. But seriously. So randomly perfect that it is not random at all.
I realize that walking through life like its a mine field, gripped with fear, is not the best way to go about it. Nor is it wise for me to hope only for an 'easy' life. So I'll quit holding my breath, exhale, and do my best to fall somewhere in the middle. Being thankful for today, and letting tomorrow worry about itself.
And I dont consider myself to be a negative person. A worrier maybe, but not a Debbie Downer. More so than ever lately though, I catch myself holding my breath, so to speak. Fearful in my heart, and over what? Im not even sure. I catch myself wondering, will it be a phonecall? A test result read to me in some stale white doctors office? An accident? An illness? What will be the thing that splits my life in two?- Before and After.
Whatever level of this feeling I've experienced in the past, is only multiplied by about a thousand now that I have two small children. If there is one thing I cannot bear, it is the thought of them suffering. The tears shed that cannot be prevented, the scraped knees, the hurt feelings- these things hurt a mothers heart, yes, but they dont break it. Its the really tough stuff Im talking about. The pediatric cancer, the parents who die with young children left behind, or even worse, the young children who die- the tragedies that are dreadful beyond what it seems a soul can withstand. These are the things that grip my heart with fear. Its like once you have kids, your heart no longer resides within your chest, but its been ripped out and is now running around in this small little person, forever linked with them, and out of your own control.
This all sounds very gloomy and very dramatic, I know. Which is not usually my style, but its been a real and genuine struggle for me lately. To not be governed by fear.
Its interesting, actually. I started writing this blog entry a week ago, and left off two paragraphs into it, and went about my busy week, intending to finish it later, after I'd sorted out the rest of my thoughts. This morning through a series of random events, I met a woman and was so impacted by her that I cannot shake the emotions that have lingered after she left. I have teared up at least 17 times today just thinking of her. She had come over to buy the xbox my husband had listed on craigslist. She showed up looking very fragile and very... determined.We started chatting, and she started to tell me her story a bit- how she was buying this xbox for her son- how it was the only thing he wanted for christmas and he was convinced Santa would bring it to him and how this had her worrying as to how she could afford to work that one out. She had been spending all she had on chemo and treatment. She has cancer. Terminal cancer. Her kids are only 11 and 7 years old. This is literally her last christmas with her kids. She shared with me her inital shock, her months spent in chemo and fighting the disease, and how she was done with all treatments now, and time was running out. She said she was thankful for the extra time the chemo had bought her. She smiled and was upbeat about how she couldnt believe the timing and luck (she saw our ad minutes after we posted it, just checking one last time on a whim to see if she could find what she was looking for before she left town this morning, it was the exact one she hoped to find, she was pretty sure this was the last year her son would really believe in Santa, etc etc). I had never met this woman before in my life and my heart was wrenching for her. She stood in my entryway and we talked for quite a while. I cried. She cried. She mentioned how it seemed meant to be that we'd have this conversation, and that it was funny how God works. Indeed.
This woman had experienced that crack in her universe. The crack that makes all the noise and hubbub of normal life fade to a deafening silence. She told me that she had hope- she had to, she said. I am staggered by the hearts ability to hope. When all the waves and breakers of life have swept over me, hope is an anchor. Hebrews 6:18 "...lay hold of the hope set before us. this hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast..." Romans 5:3-5" ...We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perserverance; and perserverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts..."
So that's where it gets real for me. There is hope that fails, and there is hope that 'does not disappoint.' If I hope only for a comfortable, happy, easy, tragedy-free life, I very well may be let down eventually. If I put my hope in God, to be that anchor for my soul when I am overwhelmed then I will not be disappointed. Life does not come free of hardships. Or heartbreaks. Or even tragedies. It just doesnt. But I have a hope that is real.
Coincidentally enough, a few days ago, this was the snippet of my daily reading: "I will never leave you alone in the midst of any affliction. You can not escape the crisis experiences if you desire to grow and mature, but you need never fear them regardless of the form they take, for my grace and my equanimity shall be as a strong anchor that shall hold you fast, and you shall not be driven off course." Hah! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Inappropriate? LOL. But seriously. So randomly perfect that it is not random at all.
I realize that walking through life like its a mine field, gripped with fear, is not the best way to go about it. Nor is it wise for me to hope only for an 'easy' life. So I'll quit holding my breath, exhale, and do my best to fall somewhere in the middle. Being thankful for today, and letting tomorrow worry about itself.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
It's All Relative
What I really want to blog about is the ridiculously terrible 36 hours of travel my husband and I recently survived. (With two small children in tow!) But I won't. I am going to resist the urge to regurgitate a slew of unneccessary details and negative drivel that no one wants to hear. I can feel the word bile rising up in me this very second, but I will resist! Suffice it to say it was bad. Not quite the worst, as we all made it home safely. But whatever the slot is right under worst? That's where we landed. Maybe not number 1 in worst case scenarios, but number 1.5 with a bullet.
Oh looky there. I spent a whole paragraph NOT talking about it. (insert ironic tone of voice) THATS wierd.
But the whole experience got me thinking. How sometimes we think things are bad. We hiss and moan and throw a mini-fit about how annoying/unbelievable/unfair/exhausting/sad/unlucky/etc our situation seems. And if we dont verbally throw this mini-fit, you know its happening mentally, or at least under our breath. But whats funny, is that most of the time the things that send us into these tailspins are really nothing more than mere inconveniences. Okay, I'll stop saying "we" and "us". Im really talking about me. I guess its presumptuous to lump all of you in with me as having an admittedly rotten attitude at times.
At about hour 7 of our ill fated travels, a 'fit' would be an understatement describing the way some people were acting. Not my people, thank God. I can say, with some small measure of pride, that my whole family, 1yr old and 3yr old included kept their cool. No tantrums, fits, or nuclear meltdowns. There was some crying, Im not gonna lie. I AM gonna lie and say it wasnt me doing the crying. But it wasnt until the 14th hour of said ill fated travels (and it was partly because I thought we might all die. So sue me.)
But what sort of strikes me as funny, is that here people are, all strung out and up in arms and indignant about how outrageously bad the situation was, when in reality, it was only about to get worse. If we only knew! Im laughing out loud, typing this right now. Glad the whole debacle isnt too fresh to seem funny. Sometimes you gotta laugh, otherwise you'll cry, right?!
But I digress. Back to the point. ...?...Oh yes! My point IS that its really all relative. Troubles, that is. And arent troubles often just as fleeting as the good times anyways? I mean really- half of the time I waste my energy being anxious, upset or worried about something, its just that. Wasted energy. So my new litmus test for whether or not I should stress out is this: In two weeks from now, will it matter?
Will it matter that I have had one of those days that the odds just seem against me? Probably not. Will it matter that I was inconvenienced in some small way? Doubt it. Will I remember that my children were full of the dickens and made it very hard for me to control the volume of my voice? Haha, maybe. Okay fine, not likely. Will it be worth getting snippy with my spouse over? In two weeks from now, will it carry any weight at all? Does it even matter?
There is something about the holidays that tends to bring out the nasty in a lot of people, right? Something about it that makes them feel entitled to wave their Freak Flag. I have seen a 70yr old woman get physical with another woman over a shirt at a sample sale. 70 yrs old! And Im not exaggerating when I say "physical". I've felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up at the grocery store because the person behind me in the 12 Items or Less lane is putting out a slightly manic, urgent vibe - and visibly counting up my items to make sure Im not doing her and the rest of the world some great injustice by being having 13 things in my cart. Not to mention the usual customer service or sales person who gets cursed out for simply doing their job.
There really is something to be said for being easygoing. And there really is something to be said for perspective. We are safe. We are healthy. We are happy- on the level that it really counts anyway.
Oh looky there. I spent a whole paragraph NOT talking about it. (insert ironic tone of voice) THATS wierd.
But the whole experience got me thinking. How sometimes we think things are bad. We hiss and moan and throw a mini-fit about how annoying/unbelievable/unfair/exhausting/sad/unlucky/etc our situation seems. And if we dont verbally throw this mini-fit, you know its happening mentally, or at least under our breath. But whats funny, is that most of the time the things that send us into these tailspins are really nothing more than mere inconveniences. Okay, I'll stop saying "we" and "us". Im really talking about me. I guess its presumptuous to lump all of you in with me as having an admittedly rotten attitude at times.
At about hour 7 of our ill fated travels, a 'fit' would be an understatement describing the way some people were acting. Not my people, thank God. I can say, with some small measure of pride, that my whole family, 1yr old and 3yr old included kept their cool. No tantrums, fits, or nuclear meltdowns. There was some crying, Im not gonna lie. I AM gonna lie and say it wasnt me doing the crying. But it wasnt until the 14th hour of said ill fated travels (and it was partly because I thought we might all die. So sue me.)
But what sort of strikes me as funny, is that here people are, all strung out and up in arms and indignant about how outrageously bad the situation was, when in reality, it was only about to get worse. If we only knew! Im laughing out loud, typing this right now. Glad the whole debacle isnt too fresh to seem funny. Sometimes you gotta laugh, otherwise you'll cry, right?!
But I digress. Back to the point. ...?...Oh yes! My point IS that its really all relative. Troubles, that is. And arent troubles often just as fleeting as the good times anyways? I mean really- half of the time I waste my energy being anxious, upset or worried about something, its just that. Wasted energy. So my new litmus test for whether or not I should stress out is this: In two weeks from now, will it matter?
Will it matter that I have had one of those days that the odds just seem against me? Probably not. Will it matter that I was inconvenienced in some small way? Doubt it. Will I remember that my children were full of the dickens and made it very hard for me to control the volume of my voice? Haha, maybe. Okay fine, not likely. Will it be worth getting snippy with my spouse over? In two weeks from now, will it carry any weight at all? Does it even matter?
There is something about the holidays that tends to bring out the nasty in a lot of people, right? Something about it that makes them feel entitled to wave their Freak Flag. I have seen a 70yr old woman get physical with another woman over a shirt at a sample sale. 70 yrs old! And Im not exaggerating when I say "physical". I've felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up at the grocery store because the person behind me in the 12 Items or Less lane is putting out a slightly manic, urgent vibe - and visibly counting up my items to make sure Im not doing her and the rest of the world some great injustice by being having 13 things in my cart. Not to mention the usual customer service or sales person who gets cursed out for simply doing their job.
There really is something to be said for being easygoing. And there really is something to be said for perspective. We are safe. We are healthy. We are happy- on the level that it really counts anyway.
I have always refused to make New Year's resolutions. I dont do it. But I am making it a December Personal Goal, that if I must err, to err on the side of graciousness. I dont exactly believe in karma, but I also dont believe in being a big fat jerk. Happy Holidays everyone!
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