31 Flavors

The last couple of birthdays were milestones of sorts for me.

The last year of my twenties. The first year of my thirties. For some reason it just felt like a big deal, whereas this birthday just feels like another year. 31. Meh. I have no groundbreaking insights or major feelings on the subject whatsoever. But for no good reason other than entertainment, I made a list. Of random things you might not know about me.

1.  I answer to an array of nicknames including, but not limited to, "Poopie", "Ambergesa", "Lady BeauFontaine", "Craig Tippie", "Bombie", "Bammer", "Google Search Bar", "Twiggy", and "Lammer Lynn". Im not sure if these nicknames say more about me or the people I am close to?
2. I hate talking on the phone. In person, I can hardly shut up. On the phone- pretty much always awkward.
3. My family and close friends know that I am a bad driver. What they don't know is that I'm actually a really GOOD driver when I'm by myself. Unfortunately I have no way of ever proving this.
4. I keep an immaculate home. I don't do dirt, I don't do dust, and I don't do clutter. I always tell my best friend, "Ugh, my house is a MESS!" ...and she always knows this to be untrue. However neurotic I may be about the rest of my house, surprisingly I never clean my shower. I mean, we're talking two, maybe three times a year. Sick! I know. The trouble is that in order to clean the shower, you have to be IN the shower, and let's face it, I hardly have enough time to shave my legs properly in there, much less scrub down the tiles. Something's gotta give and apparently it's the shower.
5.  I am a better singer than I am a dancer. This is not saying much. I do both anyway.
6.  My best feature: long naturally curled eyelashes.
7.  My worst feature: How much time do we have? Tankles, lame hair, gums that show too much when I smile, a prominent nose, a pinhead (really, I can never find hats or sunglasses that look right), a slight baby paunch, I could go on and on, but yah, I'd say tankles tops the list. There's just nothing I'll ever be able to do about that.
8. Place I most desperately want to visit: Scotland.
9. I have only kissed 7 gents in my lifetime. And one dolphin... Sparks flew, emotions ran high.
10.  Characteristic I most appreciate in others: honesty and a ready wit.
11.  Characteristic I most dislike in others: passive aggressiveness and narcissism.
12.  The only famous people I have ever been told I resemble are Jerry Seinfield and Mayim Bialik. So...that sucks.
13.  My drink of choice is honey whiskey. On the rocks. Shaken, not stirred- oh wait, that doesn't apply.
14.  My absolute dream scenario job: a sketch comedy writer or performer. Yah right, I wish.
15.  I subscribe to the idea of "Major on the majors, minor on the minors." In parenting, in marriage, in most areas of life.
16.  I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a carb tooth. No one seems to acknowledge this as a real problem.
17.  I secretly (openly) love Taco Bell. I'm not proud, but it is what it is. If you ever want to know the perfect trifecta to order there, call me and I'll walk you through it. And yes, I eat 3 things. I have no shame.
18.  I work out all the time but I am neither athletic, nor sporty. In high school, I was on the cheerleading and bowling teams. I was always slightly embarrassed about both but only because of the stigma attached to each one, not  because I actually thought they were lame. And if you weren't aware of the bowling team stigma, it's that they're nerds.
19.  Speaking of high school, I was declared Best Sense of Humor in my senior class. I went to a very small high school.
20.  If I could use a famous person free pass, it would be with Ryan Gosling or Chris Hemsworth.
21.  If Husband could use a famous person free pass, it would be with Carrie Underwood (understandable) or Anna Paquin (seriously? I don't know why, but that one bothers me.)
22.  Neither of us would ever really use a famous person free pass.
23.  I wear a lot of V neck t shirts. My sister wears a lot of crew necks. This makes her the more appropriately clad daughter in my mother's opinion.
24.  If you give me even the smallest opening to make fun of you, even the slightest bit of ammunition, I simply cannot pass up the opportunity. I just can't let anything slide. Don't take it personally, it's how I show affection. (You should see how I make out! LOL) (Get it?!)
25. I have two recurring dreams. 1) That my friend Poopie, and Amy Poehler pick me up from the airport in Amy's car and we all laugh hysterically the whole way home, just like I always knew we would. 2) That my husband abruptly and nonchalantly announces over dinner one night that he is leaving me for Angelina Jolie. And then he tells me to get over it and pass the potatoes. I am equal parts destroyed and enraged by this news and I try to scream but I can't get any sound to come out.
26. I grew up a pastor's kid. This often gave people a predisposed opinion of me and more often than not they were off base.
27. I always make the bed. Even if its in the afternoon and I know no one will even see it.
28. I can mimic any facial expression.
29. I believe in hospitality. In making people feel welcome not just in my home, but in my life. I think this is somewhat of a lost art on my generation- hosting and hospitality.
30. I'm a voracious reader. I always have been. I use a lot of antiquated words and phrases and my friends make fun of me for it. When they do, I always say "What?! I read a lot as a kid!" as if that's a good comeback? As if that helps my case or makes me look any cooler. I used the phrase "Don't darken my door" with a group of friends recently and they nearly ate me alive. I heard about that one for weeks. It doesn't always pay to be well versed in old people lingo.
31.  I believe that a strong faith and a good sense of humor can get you through almost anything in life.

More Than a Tidy Bit of Grace

 

 

They are my heart. These two and their father. They fill me up and empty me clear out and take me from pride to dismay and everywhere in between all in a day. In an hour. And I fear that I am not as resilient as they are, as resilient as they deserve. Some days grow long and lord knows they can be tenacious...and sometimes I grow weary.  Patience wears thin and grace slips away and words clip harsher than I intend. Then guilt rolls in like a fog because I see that I have missed the mark yet again. I see it reflected in their little faces and in their attitudes. A heavy, annoyed sigh from from the 3 year old. An exasperated reply to a simple question from the 5 year old. And I know it is normal, and it is the nature of the beast... but I also know they have heard it before, coming right from me.

 Galations 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control; against such things, there is no law."

This is what I long to teach them. So then, what is the best way? To be it, to live it, to lead them to it. Of course. And it stings because I know I fall short- so much, so often. I start off each day with these lofty ideals in front of me. And I try- by sheer force of will. I strive, which only leads to exhaustion... because I am mistaken. I am mistaken in the striving, and I am mistaken in thinking I can manufacture these qualities within myself.

 I happen to flip through the emails on my phone and I come across my new favorite- Ann Voscamp's blog. Maybe it's a bit antiquated. Maybe it's a bit much- the way she writes and the way she lives, but I am always inspired by her raw transparency and I always relate to her struggles within.
 I have to strain to read her words through the blur of tears that started coming somewhere after the third sentence. She writes grace words about grace living- and what does that even mean, really?
 I wonder.
 And how many times must a mother fail miserably? I reread a sentence three times over and I stop, exhale, and I think on her words.
 And they pierce me, like a truth always does. Like a nail driven in and through, and it sends splinters all across my heart.
Because this is exactly how I feel today.

"The Farmer says it quiet to sons, that all this hollering, it's no gospel, and I'm the railing mother whose sin reeks, who needs Christ's nailing and more than a tidy bit of grace and how do I keep falling hard everyday and tripping all these kids too?
How can a mother do so much everyday and know she does so much wrong? Sometimes holding a kid is this wild prayer for God to just hold it all together."


And yes, this sounds heavy. And no, it's not always this way. Of course not. But some days it is. Some days it is hard. I worry about my failures, and I doubt myself, and I fret if I am doing a well enough job in this enormous task of raising these two bright eyed, curly headed children. Will they grow up to be loving and kind and true? And am I?
In and of ourselves, no, I suppose we're not. Thank God for grace and for clean slates and for hope for more.

I keep reading.

"Christianity isn't about growing good- it's about growing grace-filled. Why in the world did I keep telling my boys to be more Christ-like as if He was a ladder to ascend, to progressively strive to be more sanctified- when being Christ-like is not about ladders but about laying down and reaching wide?...This is the gospel that I don't just need, but need to live... Like a rubbing of the hurting places, a drowning out of fears...Grace laid it's arm down a beam and grace never stops reaching out, reaching for you, reaching straight across walls and through fences and over barbed wire laws...When you fail and you bleed fallen and you're the mess just wild to somehow make it, it's inhaling the gospel that heals: Blessed assurance, Jesus assures: You don't have to pull yourself up by the bootstraps- you only have to pull close. It's the gospel in shorthand pure relief:
"MY HOPE ISN'T BUILT ON MY PERFORMANCE BUT ON JESUS' RIGHTEOUSNESS."

 And I remember that motherhood isn't simply about "doing a good job" or teaching them to be "good", it's about laying myself down and reaching wide, as Ann so eloquently puts it. Reaching for grace and constantly reaching to tend and grow these two tender little hearts, drawing them close and showing them the real truth about where joy and peace and patience and gentleness come from. It's about showing them a gospel not only about what we accept, but what we extend.

And I remember that His mercies are new every morning. And that the work of tending and growing little hearts is rarely a tidy business, but it's a worthy business.
And thank God my hope isn't built on my performance, because it isn't about ME at all.






The Mart

The world takes all kinds. So does Wal Mart.

I must preface this whole post with the declaration that I am no snob and no elitist. Do I think that I am somehow better than anyone that shops at Wal Mart?  No.  Do I enjoy shopping there?  No. In fact, in the spirit of honesty, let's make that a Hell No (excuse the french).

It is so deeply ingrained in my character to appreciate a good bargain, I will always seek it out. Whether it be out of necessity or simply for the pure joy of knowing that I got a good deal, rest assured,  I will seek out the bargain. So if I know that some particular item is cheapest at The Mart, then to The Mart I will go.

Do I prefer the soft lighting and the hardwood floors in the "lounge" area of our local Fred Meyer? Oh yes! I do. The fact that it even boasts a "lounge" area at all -AND a kiddy play center!-  beckon to every parental fiber of my being. So I do shop there often, but I save it for my fun shopping. For when I need things like special cheeses and butter lettuce and tahini. That is my "happy place" shopping. Wal Mart is for my nitty gritty shopping.

Today I was probably asking for it. It was a busy day filled with swim lessons and running errands and trying to sqeeze in a workout. I had a small window to grocery shop and it lay dangerously close to naptime. But sometimes you just have to brazen it out , yes? So I loaded up the tinies and with a foreboding sense of trepidation we drove to the Mart.  I want to stress that what took place there is no stretch of the truth or exaggeration on my part. I'm keepin it real.

First we encountered a woman who was shopping in her bikini top. (They let people do that?!) Then there was another woman who we crossed paths with in almost every single aisle and every single time she was SHOUTING (I use shouty capitals because she really was shouting) "Bobby Lee! Bobby Lee you are in so much trouble! Bobby Lee you where are you?!  WHERE. ARE. YOU! You stop that right now! Bobby Lee when I find you, you are dead!  BOBBY LEE!!!! (with bass in her voice) when she'd really had enough.  Incidentally, Bobby Lee never seemed to grow tired of exasperating this woman. It was like his powers only became stronger, the more frustrated she got. But hey, no judgements. We've all had our Bobby Lee moments...just hopefully a few decibels quieter....?

There was an unscrupulous fellow who quite awkwardly would not let me walk past him in the aisle and when I finally asked quietly if we could sneak by, he said definitively, "No... But you're a pretty thing." Gah! Radar up! Im not! Im not a pretty thing! Please dont murder me right here in the middle of the cereal aisle! My mental faculties were in order just enough to smile politely, turn, and try not to break out in a full on sprint.

There were arguments with Bigger One over choosing a birthday present for a friend, and a lengthy discussion regarding the benefits of giving more than receiving. There were potty emergencies. Of course there were! My kids, may the good Lord bless them, seem to have to go to the bathroom (ifyaknowwhatImean) every single public place we go. Especially parks. BLURG.

 Long ago we had to establish the worldwide code language for Number 1 and Number 2 so they weren't hollering about having to poop in the middle of whatever fine establishment we happen to be in. Ah, the life of a mother. We try to steer clear of the poop talk, but sometimes it's just inescapable.

 Littler One got cold in the refrigerator section and proceeded to lose it by way of wailing and clinging to my neck while he sat in the front of the cart and I valiantly tried to keep steering and comfort him simultaneously.

When all was said and done, we made it to the checkout line where we waited a very long time, and I entertained with tickling games and letting Bigger One pick out some kind of fruity flavored bottled water. Which turned out to be carbonated. I did not discover this until it was scanned, handed back to me, and I cracked it open at which point it exploded all over the front of me,  the floor, and the little card-slider-machine. (That cant be the technical term for them...?).

 I had to laugh because my only other option at the moment was to curse, and I was still well within earshot of both tiny tenders. Littler One noticed that my shirt was now soaking and clinging to me, at which point he points and giggles and loudly repeats "Boobies! You's boobies Mama!". Mercifully enough, this wasnt until we were on our way out the door.

There was a moment while I was in the parking lot, wringing out my shirt as best I could while still wearing it, and loading up the kids and groceries into the hot, muggy car, - let's say a good 30 seconds there, where I seriously considered taking up smoking. In that moment it seemed like a novel idea.

In the end, I still have nothing against The Mart. But next time I will pack a tranquilizer dart (or 3) in my purse because it's a jungle out there.

Tales from the Trenches: On Cleaning Houses and Cleaning Hearts

I have been rather absent from this blog for the past few months.  So to all five of you kind souls who follow it, "I've missed you!". I have been busy keeping afloat with life, which has left little time to write about life. And when I have had a snippet of free time, I confess I have had my nose so far into a juicy novel I just couldnt tear my eyeballs away until it was done.

In fact, Im realizing that I have been SO absent from this blog that I never even followed up with my other two words for the year. Which, incidentally, are "Gracious" and "Hospitable". But that is another post for another day, my five compadres!

So let's do the fast version catch-up, shall we?

First things first: Italy was amazing. Really, truly amazing and beautiful and romantic. It was all the things I hoped it would be. My personal highlights included a ferry ride over Lake Como, a fancy 6 course dinner in a 200 year old restaurant, and Florence. All of Florence.

In other news, Bigger One has just graduated from preschool. This left me a sniveling, mewling, tear soaked mess in the back row of the audiorium. What can I say, I have a sentimental heart. I must quietly mourn the transition of my first baby from Littleness to Bigness. Is it possible for you heart to swell and contract at the same time? Because that is exactly how I felt, sitting there in that auditorium.

Littler One is now 2.5 and full of the dickens. He is my sweet spirited, mild-mannered boy, but he is also rowdier than rowdy and so far the only thing in the world that brings him real joy is to throw whatever happens to be in his hands at the moment. Obviously, there are only few settings in life where this is conducive. We're working on it...

Husband has been the busiest of all, because after much deliberation and preparation, we have decided to leave the wonderful firm he has worked for and go independant. A very difficult decision to make, but we feel it was the right one. So far it has gone brilliantly, but it's still all quite new. Starting your own business is not for the faint of heart! It has been equal parts exciting and frightening. It's tough to break out of what feels familiar and comfortable, but sometimes you have to climb out onto the longest, scariest branch to get the best fruit.

Other than all of that, it's pretty much been business as usual around here. And by "business as usual" I mean, the children have lost their minds. Literally, they have lost their minds. Its as if school got out, and the very next day my kids learned how to fight with each other. Up til now, for the most part, they have gotten along fairly well. Bigger One mothers Littler One and he is usually fine with that. She would boss him around and he would be happy to oblige. But some deep, fundamental, subterranean shift has happened recently. They fight. Oh, do they fight! Finally this morning, I couldnt take it anymore. I stood at my kitchen counter listening to their ridiculous accusations of  "He wont stop touching me!" and "Bella shoosh! Bella boss me!" and I had to choke down the panic that was rising like bile in the back of my throat. What happened here? When did it happen?! At what point did the train derail?
The past week their attitudes have slowly, inexorably, gone downhill. There has been too much arguing, whining, complaining, and antagonzing, and not enough grace, or forgiveness, or thankfulness. This morning I had one of those "Aha" moments where I realized with a sinking heart that indeed, we have gotten far off track. Amazing how fast that happens, isnt it?

So today, we have been cleaning house and cleaning hearts. I decided to try to get the kids focus off of themselves by having them do nice things for each other. Make each other's beds, get each other snacks, help me clean and organize the house, etc. But getting them to actually do these things is only half the battle. Because, does it really even count if they do it with a rotten attitude? Hardly. It always boils down to the attitude of the heart, yes? I might accomplish a clean house with their help, but if they are grumbling the whole time, then ultimately all I'm accomplishing is a clean room that will be dirty again in 15 minutes anyways.

I am working hard on instilling a sense of teamwork in them. A sense of "you belong to this family and we are all on the same team. So lets help each other out!" (I am literally chuckling as I type this. Doesn't that just sound like a nice little antecdote? It sounds so cheesy but I think that surely there's a valuable truth under there somwhere? Obviously not an easy one though, or I wouldn't be sitting here blogging about it.)

Amazingly enough, after about an hour of pitching in and thinking of each other, their attitudes changed. Like some kind of magic voodoo. Okay, not voodoo. Maybe they were getting high on all the pinesol and comet fumes coming from the kitchen. Either way, I'll take it.
Today, success! Tomorrow? Well success or no, at least its a new day.

2012: My Four Words

It's only 11 days into the new year, but I've had a lot on my mind already in regards to forward motion and what that looks like for me, personally in 2012. I suppose a new year is as good of a time as any to take stock, if it were. This year for me that means looking inward more than outward. It's more of an honest glimpse into my heart,  than a look at my outward, tangible life.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs, SheLovesMagazine, which is made of up many different contributors, and each person shared one word as their personal goal for 2012. One word. Keeping things simple- I like that! Words like Repair, Delve, Rest, Fulfillment, etc. Maybe it's cheesy, but it resonated with me. It's deeply personal and honest to just sum things up in one word. That one word can become a balance, a measure, a filter, a springboard for the year. So I've been thinking a lot and praying a little too, and choosing MY one word.

...Then again, consider the source. I couldnt pick JUST ONE word! I mean, come on, let's all be real here. :) I never claimed that I wasn't wordy! I picked 4 words. Deal with it.

(1)

-CONTENT-

1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."

This year I am making a conscious decision to be content. Because I do think that it often is simply a choice.

I am going to be content with my age and my body.

Sure, I'd like to lose ten pounds, and sure, I wish I had thick gorgeous flowing hair. Being content doesn't mean I must be stagnant. I will work on those ten pounds. But I will not obsess over my physical appearance. It is part of me. But it is not the most important thing.

I will be content with my finances.

 I will not try to keep up with the Jones'. I will not constantly wish for more. I will be thrilled to wake up in my new home and make coffee in my new kitchen every day. I will be happy to drive my car. I will be thankful for how much or how little each month affords us. I will not live beyond our means. I will be stoked for a free vacation to Italy in the spring!!!

I will  be content with my time.

 We all get the same 24 hour allotment. 

I will be content with my children and my husband

. After all, they are my whole heart divided into 3 people. I will appreciate them for who they are.

I will be content with my talents. 

I will be content with my responsibilities.

 They are mine for a reason. Which brings me to my second word:

(2)

-INVESTED-

Many of my responsibilites are close to home. In fact, they have become my home. This does not mean that I lead a small, inconsequential life.  Actually on some days, the gravity of my responsibility scares the doo-doo out of me! Together with my husband, I am raising my two children. No big deal, right? Just ya know, gotta make sure they grow up to be decent humans with good hearts! Yikes.

 I am making the home we live in a safe and happy and nurturing place to be.  I love what I do. I feel that I can say that honestly. Not every moment of every day, but generally speaking I love what I do.

 Although- I think loving what I do is not the only important component. I also have a respect for what I do. Which I'd venture to say is not a popular opinion anymore. Often people view wives and mothers who don't work outside of the home as somehow inferior. As if it must mean they lack the ambition or the skill to do other things. At the risk of sounding grand, lofty, or obnoxious, I will say that at this time in my life, I view motherhood and homemaking as a calling. Does this make me special or more "called" that someone else? No, of course not. Does it mean that I think all women are called to stay home? No, I do not think that at all.  Does this mean that I do nothing but wipe noses and bums, cook meals, clean floors, etc etc etc? GAH!  NO! My life is full of other things and other people. But it does mean that I value my role.

 The less you love something, the more unlovely it becomes. So I am choosing to be INVESTED in my home, my children, and my husband. I will not view the sibling disagreements, the dramatic 4 year old teary displays of emotion, the conversation interruptions, etc. as an obstacle in MY day. Something to move past. I will view it as a chance to give of myself freely. To cheerfully meet the need that is in front of me. Because the more I give of myself, the more I get back. Especially with my tiny tenders! The more I pour into their little hearts, the more they fill mine right back up. And on that note, I think the same theory applies to marriage. The more I give of myself, the more I get back...But that is another thought for another day.

In the end, however low it might rank in other people's opinion of importance, it ranks high in mine. It is important to me. So I will be INVESTED in my home and my family. 

There are two more words I've pondered and chosen as my theme for 2012 but Im going to share them  next time. If you had to choose ONE word, (or four!) what would it be?